Sunday, August 24, 2008

worst feelings

i have always felt the need to write whenever im depressed. but these past few weeks, i have not only been depressed. i was close to suicidal. i didnt really know, nothing else mattered at this point. my life is a sham. everything just seems to go wrong. when i heard the news that he's getting.......it was like a pail of cold water was thrown at my face. i didnt know if i loved him that much to be affected THAT much, or im simply having a bad case of crushed ego. admittedly, i envy him. i envy him for being who he is.....for having what he has.....for being loved unconditionally....and for all it's worth, for being happy....and ultimately achieving the status of "wedded bliss". in retrospect, im close to losing my mind whenever i think of the good times we had. everything went wrong, and if only i could turn back time, i would do everything to make it right..........too bad i can't do that. im just here in my room, thinking a lot. and hoping that i would not be foolish enough to commit suicide.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

what i did today

early morning, i got a call from the san sebastian diagnostic lab, there were a few ECGs for reading. so, i dressed up and decided to jog on the way to the lab, bu then again, my little niece denise, went through several tantrums because i wouldnt let her come with me.....and so, denise went with me.we jogged, and i read the ECGs, and we went to the nearest JOLLIBEE....so much for jogging. after that, we went to mass, rested for a little while. had lunch. had my rounds at san antonio gen hospital, then rounds at cuenca district hospital, then went to visit my sick tita, kaka tacing, as we fondly call her.....sunday is family day...and thats what we did....bonded with the family. while we were at kaka tacing's house, my tita melba (my mom's sister) went to our house. too bad we didn't see her. tita melba and mom wasn't on speaking terms for 2 years now.....and tita melba went to our house because she's already leaving for the states....and my guess is that she's doing her best to reconcile with my mom.......hah......what a sunday! father's day.....and we ended the day by eating out at MAX's.......my dad's treat........hahaha........so much for father's day......my dad spent 2,000 pesos today!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

good karma

life is full of surprises. i have always felt that forrest gump was a bit overboard when he said that "life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you are gonna get". but actually, i'm beginning to see the wisdom in what he said. what goes up, must always come down. i never thought that i would reach this point in my life. i'm on top of the world. everything that happened to me during the first quarter of the year seems like a blur. and now, i'm reaping the harvest of my hardships....... i lost my job. i lost someone i really cared about. i lost my financial security. i failed my specialty boards. i lost my self esteem. i really felt like the world was crashing down on me. but then, there is no way that i'm going to allow things to stay that way. if i have been through the worst, surely, the best is yet to come......and it did!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

life gets better

im at the peak of my life....never felt better!

Friday, May 2, 2008

all in a day's work

my usual day starts at 6am. the usual breakfast and shower. rounds in the hospital then clinic. i struggled at first, but eventually, things turned out well (surprisingly). i didn't know that i would reach this point in my life. i know i'm successful. but unfortunately, i know that something is still missing. i do not have a closure. i haven't finished what i have started. i still have so much angst. and well, eventually, i know it will catch up on my decisions in life. i was not able to express myself well and say the things that i wanted to say or do things that i wanted to do. there is a lot of hesitations and "what ifs". and frankly, i don't even know how to begin fixing my life........

Sunday, April 6, 2008

pain and sorrow

a lyrics from a song said: " sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrows, but if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow". it's been in my head for a few days now, and i dont know why. too much angst perhaps. or just too cerebral. i hate thinking about things......... what could have been..........

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

i missed blogging

its been two weeks since i last posted a blog. na miss ko din. sa ngayon, work is my priority. although there are times when it's really difficult to wake up and get dressed because i know that there is so much to do, and in my perception, there's so little time. i haven't even been to the mall for quite some time. i need a new set of clothes, since i lost around 14 lbs already....kaya lang, ayoko pang bumili ng bago.....not yet, anyway, unless i reach my desired weight, (which is 120lbs) . well, i'm getting there.....malapit na. discipline and focus. i'm getting what i want in my life. i'm going where i want to go. and yes, i'm on top of my game. never been better!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

boxing

i really love boxing. i think it's a very emotional game. pacquiao (also known as pacman) and marquez just had a rematch. pacquiao eventually won via split decision, but it was a hell of a fight! i enjoyed every minute of the show. it was a perfect example of courage, perseverance, hope, and yes, winning and losing. eventually, these boxers will eventually retire. their knees will wobble, their punches will not matter anymore. they may even have "dementia pugilistica" when they grow old. BUT......they will definitely be remembered. their names will be etched in this generation's heart. its fascinating, really.....i even forgot my own problems.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

when a door closes, a window opens

when i realized that nothing will happen to me if i dont make a move, i started to do something about it. i started going to my clinic. but well, the first few days were frustrating. i have a clinic, but i have no patients. my frustration turned to anger and disbelief and low self esteem. then, i went to seek other places, and then things just fell into place. i started having patients, and gradually, gaining back my confidence and self esteem. looking back, i realized that negative emotions will not go anywhere. there was a time that i was asking god how pathetic life could be, since a jeepney driver is earning more than what i was earning. but things changed. i almost lost my faith in God. its true. when one door closes, a window opens.......everything done according to His plan.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

a prayer

my usual day begins with a prayer. let the journey begin. another day, another challenge, another chance to touch people's lives. i pray for everything and everyone, most especially for persons closest to my heart. there is only one path to happiness, and that is the RIGHT path. sometimes, we just dont understand how beautiful life can be. but now, im different. im a changed person, so to speak. life is worth living afterall, life is beautiful afterall.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

sunshine after the rain

when you're down, there is no way but up. im literally slumped in the ground, my head bowed. so i guess there is no other way but pick myself up. i recently tried to pick up the broken pieces of my so called life. and gradually, i'm beginning to smile again. i realized that there are more people out there who have bigger problems. i failed, yes, but it's not the end of the world. im beautiful ( i hope so), im educated, my family loves me, my friends care for me. and yes, i have a whole life ahead of me. i shouldn't waste it. i shouldn't waste it on people who do not care about me. according to one of my co residents: the only people you need in your life are the ones who prove that they need them in yours. AMEN to that!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

loser

my days are spent doing nothing. my nights are the worst. they are spent thinking about my life, and what went wrong. how i ended up being a loser. my academic life is a failure. my lovelife, a disaster. my family life is chaotic. my financial status can be summed up in one word - bankrupt. i have lost everything i have in my life, my self respect and self esteem included. i think i also lost my friends. not a single person of my so called friends truly understands exactly what i'm going through. this time, i have to do everything on my own. i have to be better. i have to get up from being a loser. i have to toughen up. after all, i am all alone. it's just me......its just me.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

with failure comes humility

my life is falling apart. i totally failed the specialty board exams. i'm totally out of control. i have been crying my heart out for the past 3 days, and it's quite annoying already. i have made so many plans, but apparently, it will take some time to get things started....i guess i'll have to wait for another year (for the next exam). everything is turning in the wrong direction. nothing good is happening to me. is this karma? lessons learned: (1) thou shall not covet anybody's boyfriend (2) prepare adequately (3) with failure comes humility.

Friday, February 1, 2008

dark moments

i just hurdled my diplomate exams. after several months of preparation, its finally over. im just waiting for the results. i hope to god that i passed that exam. it will open a lot of doors for me. there's one more aspect of my life that i havent ironed out yet. i just realized that i'm the jealous type. in a fit of anger, i confronted an intern who has been quite cozy with my love.everything just turned black.....and after that, i was remorseful. i wish i had not done that. it was a cheap move. totally out of character for me. gosh........these are really the darkest days of my life.........i hope this wont last. this is just a phase.

Monday, January 14, 2008

circle

it has been close to three weeks since i left the hospital. suddenly, everything changed. the routine is not there anymore. i missed the action. i missed the fun. i even missed the hordes of patients that line up at the out patient department, like bees swarming around....... and then i realized that everything is just a cycle. we start with new things in our life, once we're through, we start again with something new. Scary and fun at the same time. To quote Forrest Gump: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get". And he is so right......so damn right.