worst feelings

i have always felt the need to write whenever im depressed. but these past few weeks, i have not only been depressed. i was close to suicidal. i didnt really know, nothing else mattered at this point. my life is a sham. everything just seems to go wrong. when i heard the news that he's getting.......it was like a pail of cold water was thrown at my face. i didnt know if i loved him that much to be affected THAT much, or im simply having a bad case of crushed ego. admittedly, i envy him. i envy him for being who he is.....for having what he has.....for being loved unconditionally....and for all it's worth, for being happy....and ultimately achieving the status of "wedded bliss". in retrospect, im close to losing my mind whenever i think of the good times we had. everything went wrong, and if only i could turn back time, i would do everything to make it right..........too bad i can't do that. im just here in my room, thinking a lot. and hoping that i would not be foolish enough to commit suicide.