lifeline

worst feelings

2008-08-24T01:40:00.000-07:00

i have always felt the need to write whenever im depressed. but these past few weeks, i have not only been depressed. i was close to suicidal. i didnt really know, nothing else mattered at this point. my life is a sham. everything just seems to go wrong. when i heard the news that he's getting.......it was like a pail of cold water was thrown at my face. i didnt know if i loved him that much to be affected THAT much, or im simply having a bad case of crushed ego. admittedly, i envy him. i envy him for being who he is.....for having what he has.....for being loved unconditionally....and for all it's worth, for being happy....and ultimately achieving the status of "wedded bliss". in retrospect, im close to losing my mind whenever i think of the good times we had. everything went wrong, and if only i could turn back time, i would do everything to make it right..........too bad i can't do that. im just here in my room, thinking a lot. and hoping that i would not be foolish enough to commit suicide.

what i did today

2008-06-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

early morning, i got a call from the san sebastian diagnostic lab, there were a few ECGs for reading. so, i dressed up and decided to jog on the way to the lab, bu then again, my little niece denise, went through several tantrums because i wouldnt let her come with me.....and so, denise went with me.we jogged, and i read the ECGs, and we went to the nearest JOLLIBEE....so much for jogging. after that, we went to mass, rested for a little while. had lunch. had my rounds at san antonio gen hospital, then rounds at cuenca district hospital, then went to visit my sick tita, kaka tacing, as we fondly call her.....sunday is family day...and thats what we did....bonded with the family. while we were at kaka tacing's house, my tita melba (my mom's sister) went to our house. too bad we didn't see her. tita melba and mom wasn't on speaking terms for 2 years now.....and tita melba went to our house because she's already leaving for the states....and my guess is that she's doing her best to reconcile with my mom.......hah......what a sunday! father's day.....and we ended the day by eating out at MAX's.......my dad's treat........hahaha........so much for father's day......my dad spent 2,000 pesos today!

good karma

2008-06-03T04:07:00.000-07:00

life is full of surprises. i have always felt that forrest gump was a bit overboard when he said that "life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you are gonna get". but actually, i'm beginning to see the wisdom in what he said. what goes up, must always come down. i never thought that i would reach this point in my life. i'm on top of the world. everything that happened to me during the first quarter of the year seems like a blur. and now, i'm reaping the harvest of my hardships....... i lost my job. i lost someone i really cared about. i lost my financial security. i failed my specialty boards. i lost my self esteem. i really felt like the world was crashing down on me. but then, there is no way that i'm going to allow things to stay that way. if i have been through the worst, surely, the best is yet to come......and it did!

life gets better

2008-05-31T05:15:00.000-07:00

im at the peak of my life....never felt better!

all in a day's work

2008-05-02T06:58:00.000-07:00

my usual day starts at 6am. the usual breakfast and shower. rounds in the hospital then clinic. i struggled at first, but eventually, things turned out well (surprisingly). i didn't know that i would reach this point in my life. i know i'm successful. but unfortunately, i know that something is still missing. i do not have a closure. i haven't finished what i have started. i still have so much angst. and well, eventually, i know it will catch up on my decisions in life. i was not able to express myself well and say the things that i wanted to say or do things that i wanted to do. there is a lot of hesitations and "what ifs". and frankly, i don't even know how to begin fixing my life........

pain and sorrow

2008-04-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

a lyrics from a song said: " sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrows, but if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow". it's been in my head for a few days now, and i dont know why. too much angst perhaps. or just too cerebral. i hate thinking about things......... what could have been..........

i missed blogging

2008-04-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

its been two weeks since i last posted a blog. na miss ko din. sa ngayon, work is my priority. although there are times when it's really difficult to wake up and get dressed because i know that there is so much to do, and in my perception, there's so little time. i haven't even been to the mall for quite some time. i need a new set of clothes, since i lost around 14 lbs already....kaya lang, ayoko pang bumili ng bago.....not yet, anyway, unless i reach my desired weight, (which is 120lbs) . well, i'm getting there.....malapit na. discipline and focus. i'm getting what i want in my life. i'm going where i want to go. and yes, i'm on top of my game. never been better!

boxing

2008-03-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

i really love boxing. i think it's a very emotional game. pacquiao (also known as pacman) and marquez just had a rematch. pacquiao eventually won via split decision, but it was a hell of a fight! i enjoyed every minute of the show. it was a perfect example of courage, perseverance, hope, and yes, winning and losing. eventually, these boxers will eventually retire. their knees will wobble, their punches will not matter anymore. they may even have "dementia pugilistica" when they grow old. BUT......they will definitely be remembered. their names will be etched in this generation's heart. its fascinating, really.....i even forgot my own problems.

when a door closes, a window opens

2008-03-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

when i realized that nothing will happen to me if i dont make a move, i started to do something about it. i started going to my clinic. but well, the first few days were frustrating. i have a clinic, but i have no patients. my frustration turned to anger and disbelief and low self esteem. then, i went to seek other places, and then things just fell into place. i started having patients, and gradually, gaining back my confidence and self esteem. looking back, i realized that negative emotions will not go anywhere. there was a time that i was asking god how pathetic life could be, since a jeepney driver is earning more than what i was earning. but things changed. i almost lost my faith in God. its true. when one door closes, a window opens.......everything done according to His plan.

a prayer

2008-03-06T00:40:00.000-08:00

my usual day begins with a prayer. let the journey begin. another day, another challenge, another chance to touch people's lives. i pray for everything and everyone, most especially for persons closest to my heart. there is only one path to happiness, and that is the RIGHT path. sometimes, we just dont understand how beautiful life can be. but now, im different. im a changed person, so to speak. life is worth living afterall, life is beautiful afterall.

sunshine after the rain

2008-03-02T01:03:00.000-08:00

when you're down, there is no way but up. im literally slumped in the ground, my head bowed. so i guess there is no other way but pick myself up. i recently tried to pick up the broken pieces of my so called life. and gradually, i'm beginning to smile again. i realized that there are more people out there who have bigger problems. i failed, yes, but it's not the end of the world. im beautiful ( i hope so), im educated, my family loves me, my friends care for me. and yes, i have a whole life ahead of me. i shouldn't waste it. i shouldn't waste it on people who do not care about me. according to one of my co residents: the only people you need in your life are the ones who prove that they need them in yours. AMEN to that!

loser

2008-02-23T06:25:00.000-08:00

my days are spent doing nothing. my nights are the worst. they are spent thinking about my life, and what went wrong. how i ended up being a loser. my academic life is a failure. my lovelife, a disaster. my family life is chaotic. my financial status can be summed up in one word - bankrupt. i have lost everything i have in my life, my self respect and self esteem included. i think i also lost my friends. not a single person of my so called friends truly understands exactly what i'm going through. this time, i have to do everything on my own. i have to be better. i have to get up from being a loser. i have to toughen up. after all, i am all alone. it's just me......its just me.

with failure comes humility

2008-02-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

my life is falling apart. i totally failed the specialty board exams. i'm totally out of control. i have been crying my heart out for the past 3 days, and it's quite annoying already. i have made so many plans, but apparently, it will take some time to get things started....i guess i'll have to wait for another year (for the next exam). everything is turning in the wrong direction. nothing good is happening to me. is this karma? lessons learned: (1) thou shall not covet anybody's boyfriend (2) prepare adequately (3) with failure comes humility.

dark moments

2008-02-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

i just hurdled my diplomate exams. after several months of preparation, its finally over. im just waiting for the results. i hope to god that i passed that exam. it will open a lot of doors for me. there's one more aspect of my life that i havent ironed out yet. i just realized that i'm the jealous type. in a fit of anger, i confronted an intern who has been quite cozy with my love.everything just turned black.....and after that, i was remorseful. i wish i had not done that. it was a cheap move. totally out of character for me. gosh........these are really the darkest days of my life.........i hope this wont last. this is just a phase.

circle

2008-01-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

it has been close to three weeks since i left the hospital. suddenly, everything changed. the routine is not there anymore. i missed the action. i missed the fun. i even missed the hordes of patients that line up at the out patient department, like bees swarming around....... and then i realized that everything is just a cycle. we start with new things in our life, once we're through, we start again with something new. Scary and fun at the same time. To quote Forrest Gump: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get". And he is so right......so damn right.

crossroads

2007-12-03T03:02:00.000-08:00

there comes a point in our lives when we are faced with big decisions. these are decisions that would greatly influence the course of our lives. what comes next? tough...... i feel sad and happy at the same time because i am about to finish my residency training. Happy, because i finished 4 years of training (and that means sleepless nights, endless calls, numerous patients, multiple grand rounds). But well, admittedly, quite sad, because i'm leaving evrything behind. And that means leaving my one true love behind, my halley's comet.....he's a constellation of all attributes. i do not really know what the future brings for both of us. i am not expecting a lot. hopefully, he loves me as much as i love him. it is what will really keep me going.

birthday

2007-11-23T05:04:00.000-08:00

my birthday is coming soon. it's 2 days from now. i will be 32 years old. the bad news is that im no longer in the calendar. well, the good news is im still in the thermometer! great! but in retrospect, those 32 years were beautiful years. i did a lot of things that i am proud of. i have touched the lives of so many people. i have made a lot of mistakes as well, but i believe that everything is a choice. decisions have to be made. we do not always get what we want in life, but then again, where is the challenge if we will always get what we want? life is a gamble, we should place our bets strategically. we may not always hit the jackpot, but enjoying the game is really what matters most.

heaven

2007-11-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

where is heaven and how do we get there? they say that heaven is for people who try to become better than they actually are. i say that heaven is a place on earth. heaven is spending time with people you love. heaven is happiness and contentment with who you are, what you have and where you are from. life is a journey, happiness is the journey. at the end of the day, what really matters most is how we lived our life. how we created our niche in this world, our little piece of heaven on earth.

tired

2007-11-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

my day started just like my other days. i wake up feeling weary because i didnt have much sleep. actually, i had plenty of sleep but i wake up at 2 am, and suddenly falls asleep again at 3am. i woke up feeling tired, wondering if i'm doing the things that i'm supposed to do. life has been tough lately. and i have been feeling the burden. i hope to wake up one day feeling good about myself.

on cellphones

2007-11-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

the cellphone is one of the most amazing inventions ever. it literally connects people. however, right now, i just want to throw mine in the trash bin. he hasn't called.he hasn't even sent a single text message. it s killing me and making me sick.after being in his arms for a few hours, its unfair and totally out of line. is this his way of saying that he doesn't need me in his life? perhaps. and perhaps, i should re think my options.

chess

2007-11-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

chess is a mind game, very cerebral and impersonal. But somehow, chess reminds me of relationships. its all about timing, and making the right moves. the queen is more important than the king, although losing a rook or a knight may cost you the game. i realized that having relationships is almost like playing a chess game. you'll never really know if you'll win or you'll lose, and sometimes, winning is not really that important. it's all about having played the game well. Eventually, having played a lot of games makes you a better player. Anticipating the opponents moves. Planning ahead of time, and finally, going for CHECKMATE.

me against the world

2007-11-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

everybody tells me to stop and think. nobody told me to go for it. from the very beginning, it was hard for me. i often wake up at dawn, no make that ALWAYS, i always wake up at dawn, between 2 am and 3 am, without knowing why i am awake. perhaps its the guilt feeling, or perhaps its just stress. but whatever it is, its taking a toll on my psyche. its making me uncomfortable. im questioning my jugdment. im questioning my sanity. im in a difficult situation. actually, im in a no-win situation, yet, i still believe that there is something that is worth fighting for. whatever it is, i hope to god that i'm right.

halleys commet

2007-10-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

in the film "Must Love Dogs", John Cusack described his love as "my halley's comet". i do feel that way too. but its disappointing to note that im not his halleys comet. im just a star in his constellation, and im not even the brightest star at that. its quite difficult. knowing that you love someone, who doesnt love you back. how in the hell can i cure a broken heart? tough! never knew that life could be this difficult.

hurt

2007-10-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

hurt is just a 4 letter word. but damn, i didnt know that hurt could hurt that much. its more than physical pain. its like a deep, stabbing, scorching ache that doesnt go away. i wonder if words are enough to describe what im feeling right now. no words can actually explain the hurt that im feeling. in its most fundamental sense, they say that it is not what people do to us that hurts us, rather, it is our chosen response to what they do to us. However, amidst rationalization, i still can't believe how much pain im experiencing right now. it is just not possible. not possible to love someone so badly, and be hurt to see and know that he is with someone else. simply impossible.

vivo

2007-10-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

tonight, jay ( a medical rep) asked us out for dinner at vivo cafe. its a cozy place. iv been here several times (of course with HIM), and i have a feeling that the vivo staff knew me already....hihihi. anyway, it was a fun night and we all enjoyed great food (loved the beef tostadas!), a couple of san mig lights (its actually almost always present), good coffee, great company, lively conversations......what more could i ask? life is good. definitely good.

why i should not

2007-10-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

there are so many reasons why i should NOT love HIM, Namely: 1. he has a girlfriend 2. he is engaged with his girlfriend 3. he is always wearing his engagement ring 4. he never said that he loved me 5. he often says that there are other girls except me 6. he has plans for the future for his girlfriend, but none with me 7.he is insensitive 8.he is childish 9. he has no remorse 10. he hurts me a lot............there are more but those are the most important. what is really ironic is that there is only one reason why i should love him.......and that is because i DO love him. and for that, i am willing to be awarded as " THE MOST PATHETIC GIRL IN THE WORLD".

i will never pass this way again.

2007-10-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

im 31 years old, il be 32 next month. iv spent almost all my life studying and preparing for the future. hoping to succeed in my chosen field. i have done a lot of things and achieved accomplishments beyond my dreams. im at the peak of my life. young and accomplished. i can do anything i want. but somehow, it feels hollow. iv missed a lot of birthdays, christmases and time with people who matter most in my life. no one can bring back time. i sure regret not being able to linger with family and friends for as long as i want. but then again, life is a choice. we choose which path to take. there should be no regrets......

relationships

2007-10-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

relationships are never easy. love is overrrated, often misused and almost always equated with physical intimacy. yesterday, i made a very big gamble on someone. never mind if he has a girlfriend, never mind if he's in love with someone else. what the heck! i've lost my "rational self". somewhere along the way, i became selfish.......and this is called LOVE? i don't know. i really have no idea what the future brings. but right now, im happy. im simply happy. and the most interesting part is-----i have no idea why im happy.

my thoughts

2007-10-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

id like to share something from "the purpose driven life": to make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be. simplify your life. take away the clutter. get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends and dangerous liasons. dont abandon your responsibilities, but dont overdose on duty.

countdown

2007-10-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

its exactly 73 days till i leave everything behind. after 4 years of being a resident, im finally graduating! im supposed to be happy. my days as a slave cum resident is finally over. no more duties. no more grand rounds. no more reports. no more admitting conferences. no more angry consultants. but why am i feeling this way? perhaps there is more to it than meets the eye. im scared and lonely. and i dont really like the feeling.

born with a silver spoon

2007-10-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

oftentimes, we dont really know how lucky we are, unless we lose something really important in our life. some people are blessed,napaka effortless....and then some people are not so lucky. It so funny and frustrating at the same time to know that some people do not reaaly have to work hard for what they have in their lives.......but then again, they are missing the entire point.......

wow

2007-10-06T05:16:00.000-07:00

wow...after years of being an introvert, im finally coming out of my shell. im actually doing this. im saying what i feel and doing things that makes me happy.

when life is on the line

2007-10-06T05:12:00.001-07:00

its finally catching up on me. being a doctor is a taking a toll on my psyche. often, it's hard to be the bearer of very bad news. but then again, who's going to do it? Life is never fair.