worst feelings

i have always felt the need to write whenever im depressed. but these past few weeks, i have not only been depressed. i was close to suicidal. i didnt really know, nothing else mattered at this point. my life is a sham. everything just seems to go wrong. when i heard the news that he's getting.......it was like a pail of cold water was thrown at my face. i didnt know if i loved him that much to be affected THAT much, or im simply having a bad case of crushed ego. admittedly, i envy him. i envy him for being who he is.....for having what he has.....for being loved unconditionally....and for all it's worth, for being happy....and ultimately achieving the status of "wedded bliss". in retrospect, im close to losing my mind whenever i think of the good times we had. everything went wrong, and if only i could turn back time, i would do everything to make it right..........too bad i can't do that. im just here in my room, thinking a lot. and hoping that i would not be foolish enough to commit suicide.

what i did today

early morning, i got a call from the san sebastian diagnostic lab, there were a few ECGs for reading. so, i dressed up and decided to jog on the way to the lab, bu then again, my little niece denise, went through several tantrums because i wouldnt let her come with me.....and so, denise went with me.we jogged, and i read the ECGs, and we went to the nearest JOLLIBEE....so much for jogging. after that, we went to mass, rested for a little while. had lunch. had my rounds at san antonio gen hospital, then rounds at cuenca district hospital, then went to visit my sick tita, kaka tacing, as we fondly call her.....sunday is family day...and thats what we did....bonded with the family. while we were at kaka tacing's house, my tita melba (my mom's sister) went to our house. too bad we didn't see her. tita melba and mom wasn't on speaking terms for 2 years now.....and tita melba went to our house because she's already leaving for the states....and my guess is that she's doing her best to reconcile with my mom.......hah......what a sunday! father's day.....and we ended the day by eating out at MAX's.......my dad's treat........hahaha........so much for father's day......my dad spent 2,000 pesos today!

good karma

life is full of surprises. i have always felt that forrest gump was a bit overboard when he said that "life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you are gonna get". but actually, i'm beginning to see the wisdom in what he said. what goes up, must always come down. i never thought that i would reach this point in my life. i'm on top of the world. everything that happened to me during the first quarter of the year seems like a blur. and now, i'm reaping the harvest of my hardships....... i lost my job. i lost someone i really cared about. i lost my financial security. i failed my specialty boards. i lost my self esteem. i really felt like the world was crashing down on me. but then, there is no way that i'm going to allow things to stay that way. if i have been through the worst, surely, the best is yet to come......and it did!

life gets better

im at the peak of my life....never felt better!

all in a day's work

my usual day starts at 6am. the usual breakfast and shower. rounds in the hospital then clinic. i struggled at first, but eventually, things turned out well (surprisingly). i didn't know that i would reach this point in my life. i know i'm successful. but unfortunately, i know that something is still missing. i do not have a closure. i haven't finished what i have started. i still have so much angst. and well, eventually, i know it will catch up on my decisions in life. i was not able to express myself well and say the things that i wanted to say or do things that i wanted to do. there is a lot of hesitations and "what ifs". and frankly, i don't even know how to begin fixing my life........

pain and sorrow

a lyrics from a song said: " sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrows, but if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow". it's been in my head for a few days now, and i dont know why. too much angst perhaps. or just too cerebral. i hate thinking about things......... what could have been..........

i missed blogging

its been two weeks since i last posted a blog. na miss ko din. sa ngayon, work is my priority. although there are times when it's really difficult to wake up and get dressed because i know that there is so much to do, and in my perception, there's so little time. i haven't even been to the mall for quite some time. i need a new set of clothes, since i lost around 14 lbs already....kaya lang, ayoko pang bumili ng bago.....not yet, anyway, unless i reach my desired weight, (which is 120lbs) . well, i'm getting there.....malapit na. discipline and focus. i'm getting what i want in my life. i'm going where i want to go. and yes, i'm on top of my game. never been better!