crossroads

there comes a point in our lives when we are faced with big decisions. these are decisions that would greatly influence the course of our lives. what comes next? tough...... i feel sad and happy at the same time because i am about to finish my residency training. Happy, because i finished 4 years of training (and that means sleepless nights, endless calls, numerous patients, multiple grand rounds). But well, admittedly, quite sad, because i'm leaving evrything behind. And that means leaving my one true love behind, my halley's comet.....he's a constellation of all attributes. i do not really know what the future brings for both of us. i am not expecting a lot. hopefully, he loves me as much as i love him. it is what will really keep me going.

birthday

my birthday is coming soon. it's 2 days from now. i will be 32 years old. the bad news is that im no longer in the calendar. well, the good news is im still in the thermometer! great! but in retrospect, those 32 years were beautiful years. i did a lot of things that i am proud of. i have touched the lives of so many people. i have made a lot of mistakes as well, but i believe that everything is a choice. decisions have to be made. we do not always get what we want in life, but then again, where is the challenge if we will always get what we want? life is a gamble, we should place our bets strategically. we may not always hit the jackpot, but enjoying the game is really what matters most.

heaven

where is heaven and how do we get there? they say that heaven is for people who try to become better than they actually are. i say that heaven is a place on earth. heaven is spending time with people you love. heaven is happiness and contentment with who you are, what you have and where you are from. life is a journey, happiness is the journey. at the end of the day, what really matters most is how we lived our life. how we created our niche in this world, our little piece of heaven on earth.

tired

my day started just like my other days. i wake up feeling weary because i didnt have much sleep. actually, i had plenty of sleep but i wake up at 2 am, and suddenly falls asleep again at 3am. i woke up feeling tired, wondering if i'm doing the things that i'm supposed to do. life has been tough lately. and i have been feeling the burden. i hope to wake up one day feeling good about myself.

on cellphones

the cellphone is one of the most amazing inventions ever. it literally connects people. however, right now, i just want to throw mine in the trash bin. he hasn't called.he hasn't even sent a single text message. it s killing me and making me sick.after being in his arms for a few hours, its unfair and totally out of line. is this his way of saying that he doesn't need me in his life? perhaps. and perhaps, i should re think my options.

chess

chess is a mind game, very cerebral and impersonal. But somehow, chess reminds me of relationships. its all about timing, and making the right moves. the queen is more important than the king, although losing a rook or a knight may cost you the game. i realized that having relationships is almost like playing a chess game. you'll never really know if you'll win or you'll lose, and sometimes, winning is not really that important. it's all about having played the game well. Eventually, having played a lot of games makes you a better player. Anticipating the opponents moves. Planning ahead of time, and finally, going for CHECKMATE.

me against the world

everybody tells me to stop and think. nobody told me to go for it. from the very beginning, it was hard for me. i often wake up at dawn, no make that ALWAYS, i always wake up at dawn, between 2 am and 3 am, without knowing why i am awake. perhaps its the guilt feeling, or perhaps its just stress. but whatever it is, its taking a toll on my psyche. its making me uncomfortable. im questioning my jugdment. im questioning my sanity. im in a difficult situation. actually, im in a no-win situation, yet, i still believe that there is something that is worth fighting for. whatever it is, i hope to god that i'm right.

halleys commet

in the film "Must Love Dogs", John Cusack described his love as "my halley's comet". i do feel that way too. but its disappointing to note that im not his halleys comet. im just a star in his constellation, and im not even the brightest star at that. its quite difficult. knowing that you love someone, who doesnt love you back. how in the hell can i cure a broken heart? tough! never knew that life could be this difficult.

hurt

hurt is just a 4 letter word. but damn, i didnt know that hurt could hurt that much. its more than physical pain. its like a deep, stabbing, scorching ache that doesnt go away. i wonder if words are enough to describe what im feeling right now. no words can actually explain the hurt that im feeling. in its most fundamental sense, they say that it is not what people do to us that hurts us, rather, it is our chosen response to what they do to us. However, amidst rationalization, i still can't believe how much pain im experiencing right now. it is just not possible. not possible to love someone so badly, and be hurt to see and know that he is with someone else. simply impossible.

vivo

tonight, jay ( a medical rep) asked us out for dinner at vivo cafe. its a cozy place. iv been here several times (of course with HIM), and i have a feeling that the vivo staff knew me already....hihihi. anyway, it was a fun night and we all enjoyed great food (loved the beef tostadas!), a couple of san mig lights (its actually almost always present), good coffee, great company, lively conversations......what more could i ask? life is good. definitely good.

why i should not

there are so many reasons why i should NOT love HIM, Namely: 1. he has a girlfriend 2. he is engaged with his girlfriend 3. he is always wearing his engagement ring 4. he never said that he loved me 5. he often says that there are other girls except me 6. he has plans for the future for his girlfriend, but none with me 7.he is insensitive 8.he is childish 9. he has no remorse 10. he hurts me a lot............there are more but those are the most important. what is really ironic is that there is only one reason why i should love him.......and that is because i DO love him. and for that, i am willing to be awarded as " THE MOST PATHETIC GIRL IN THE WORLD".

i will never pass this way again.

im 31 years old, il be 32 next month. iv spent almost all my life studying and preparing for the future. hoping to succeed in my chosen field. i have done a lot of things and achieved accomplishments beyond my dreams. im at the peak of my life. young and accomplished. i can do anything i want. but somehow, it feels hollow. iv missed a lot of birthdays, christmases and time with people who matter most in my life. no one can bring back time. i sure regret not being able to linger with family and friends for as long as i want. but then again, life is a choice. we choose which path to take. there should be no regrets......

relationships

relationships are never easy. love is overrrated, often misused and almost always equated with physical intimacy. yesterday, i made a very big gamble on someone. never mind if he has a girlfriend, never mind if he's in love with someone else. what the heck! i've lost my "rational self". somewhere along the way, i became selfish.......and this is called LOVE? i don't know. i really have no idea what the future brings. but right now, im happy. im simply happy. and the most interesting part is-----i have no idea why im happy.

my thoughts

id like to share something from "the purpose driven life": to make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be. simplify your life. take away the clutter. get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends and dangerous liasons. dont abandon your responsibilities, but dont overdose on duty.

countdown

its exactly 73 days till i leave everything behind. after 4 years of being a resident, im finally graduating! im supposed to be happy. my days as a slave cum resident is finally over. no more duties. no more grand rounds. no more reports. no more admitting conferences. no more angry consultants. but why am i feeling this way? perhaps there is more to it than meets the eye. im scared and lonely. and i dont really like the feeling.

born with a silver spoon

oftentimes, we dont really know how lucky we are, unless we lose something really important in our life. some people are blessed,napaka effortless....and then some people are not so lucky. It so funny and frustrating at the same time to know that some people do not reaaly have to work hard for what they have in their lives.......but then again, they are missing the entire point.......

wow

wow...after years of being an introvert, im finally coming out of my shell. im actually doing this. im saying what i feel and doing things that makes me happy.

when life is on the line

its finally catching up on me. being a doctor is a taking a toll on my psyche. often, it's hard to be the bearer of very bad news. but then again, who's going to do it? Life is never fair.